made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
