she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
