i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
