Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
