matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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