I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
