Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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