By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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