I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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