i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
cat food counts as protein by the way
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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