My sheets look like a crime scene.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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