I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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