she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
