if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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