too bad you live with your parents still
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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