a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
