I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
