My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
