It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
