This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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