she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
