she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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