This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
