home. puking in laundry basket.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
