I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's just like the Real World with babies
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
