I cannot find my penis.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
