Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
