Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
