i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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