I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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