I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
