I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
