it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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