I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
