took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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