We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I checked into jail on foursquare
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
