Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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