I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think my moral compass just broke
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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