my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
