I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
