I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
