why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
