i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
