Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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