Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
