My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
