??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
