Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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