How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
