Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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