and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
